MEMORY KEEPING: Write down something you are stressed about

I am mostly stressed about myself or probably my life in its entirety. 

Everyday has always been like a rerun. You wake up and do the same things you did the other day. There is no excitement anymore. There is no adrenaline-charged giddiness. No events, no places, no people, no things to look forward to. I stressed about it cause it feels like living with no enthusiasm for some time now ─  when eagerness is a lifeline, but you don’t have it.

I stressed about being impatient. I get annoyed at waiting, and I stressed about getting annoyed. Same old thing. Every time I open a book and I read the first line, my eyes are struggling to go to the other lines or the lines on the next page and this mentally strains me. I am impatient also when nothing really big or new or exciting happens on Chapter 1 or 2 so I just drop the book right away. And for some months now, I wasn’t able to finish a book.

With Democracy missing and Yeukah’s death, I was emotionally crippled. I am not good at having normal relationships with people but I could live together with cats and dogs. I was able to express myself with them. Hitler died this week and I can’t help thinking what wrong I did for these losses to keep on happening. 

My great stressor also is the thought that I think these years had been the lowest point of my life. There is no climax or maybe I missed the plot twist of my life. When everything that surrounds you is so full of colours ─ the sky is blue, the walls in our house are painted green, the curtains are dangling in yellow, but why does everything feels just black and white?

Yet looking back at these anxieties and demons inside of me, my family is there to lighten me up. And Yeugih, Atlas, Panda and Stalin are there to make me happy without them even knowing.